Posted on March 27, 2019 by Kinga Kurek

.We as a society are obsessed with the quality of the online content, it’s data, it’s analytics. We want all of it, to be better, faster, smoother. We want the information we gather to have a higher quality then the previous one. And with thousands and millions of different types of online content that’s being put out, every single day  it’s hard to keep up. The amount of information we consume while sitting in front of our laptops, desktops, tablets and smartphones is higher then we can mange. You’re guilty of it. I’m guilty of it. Every single person that is using the net and consuming it’s data is. Even if it’s something as insignificant like watching YouTube videos, or reading few articles or blog posts. How many of you opened up a website to look up a recipe for example and you end up in the dark hole of information, scrolling thought all of the previous content reading and watching as much as possible because your curiosity and lust for knowledge took better of you? If this doesn’t happen with websites, movies, music, or any sort of digital content. It’s definitely happening with social media. We are all guilty of it. With Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, you name it, you opened it up to just check one post, upload and image or thought and you’re ending up scrolling thought, what feels like an entirely. For no real reason at all. Is the fact that a nameless blogger went on sponsored event or got the bag you’ve always wanted has real impact on your life? Not really.

Yet, we still do it. We consume all that, wishing we were anyone but ourselves. Online it’s so easy to create a persona. Whenever you want it or not. Sometimes we don’t see it happening. I remember couple of times when I had someone tell me how great my life was, because once upon time going to events and shooting lots of images was something I was doing on a regular. And it was great. On the surface. The fact is outside of that, it wasn’t the greatest. But I made my life look like that, online that is. But who cares if I’m getting lot’s of likes and comments on an image.  Or my following is growing. Right? Wrong. 

A person that I never met in real life, is telling me though Instagram that “I’m goals” so I should believe them. Right?  Most of the time, it’s not the case and the more you grow the more you want.

100 likes on one image for someone who isn’t consumed online would be a massive milestone but for me it’s a failure. Because I remember at some point I got 200, 300, heck even once I almost got 1k likes on Instagram. However, that constant need to me both metaphorically and literally liked online as well as  perfectionistic and obsessive personality is killing my love for creating. Literally, someone just commented on my image on Instagram “that’s an art” I’m so happy and grateful for this comment but I know at the back of my mind I will have to top it off. My next photo is going to have to be more creative, better, reach more people faster. And that need for self validation from online, perfectionistic tendencies and the fact that I’ve been online since age of 17, being most of my identity as been build in front of an audience can be a dangerous cocktail. Because after a while you can start thinking that your online content is all you have and your follow and reach count is your worth. And the worst part about it, is the fact that the online currency can very easily transfer into real life.

In addition to that after a long think, I have decided to stop posting on my facebook page of this blog. Not deleting it. But that may come soon. See facebook never did anything for me, and in recent years, when I had people from school, people I’ve worked with, family, certain friends on there I felt the need to really censor myself. I do feel like I can be real on Instagram and Twitter, I feel like only people who follow me on there are there for me and not to “know my business”  because that’s the part of being online that I really do not like. That need to know everyone’s failure and success. Not to celebrate with them but to be bitter. I can’t stand it. That’s why I’m creating steps to be me, more me, less censored. If I feel crappy but want to write a blog post I will. If I’ll feel like I am in writing mode, like this and my mood reflects that you will also get a post from me. But as much as I understand that I as a blogger, create for an audience I also create for myself. Whenever it’s an image, blog post, or a YouTube video.

So what’s a point of this blog post. I once been told that I am too negative, online and off line. That I don’t appreciate what I have. That I compare myself too much. And I’ll agree to all of these things. But at the same time as much as it is important to embrace the positive mindset I feel like it’s also very important to accept the failure and talk openly about them. I know they are lot’s of people in the same situation that I am in, and we are all trying to figure out this life thing, but with internet watching it can be hard and putting a mask every single day can be even harder. I’m not going to let go of that mask just yet, but I am willing to give you a glimpse of whats on the other side of it. And as much as I myself still don’t accept it, I hope some of you will. And will also let go of your own masks.

Hoodie_ EMP // Leggings_ Rogue and Wolf // Shoes_TUK


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