Honestly, I don’t know where to start. It’s been almost a month since my last blog post, which in my mind is touch ridiculous. The thing is, I haven’t been with it, with blogging, creativity, even YouTube, although I post more on there then, I do with this blog. But still. I’ve been stuck in this creative rut for god knows how long, maybe you can tell me since it seems like that’s the only thing I talk about these days. However I need a place to vent and my childhood diary with a padlock and colourful papers just doesn’t cut it. There wouldn’t be enough space for my ramblings on there anyway. See for me turning 23 is very strange place to be in. I have friends who are older then me, I have friends who are younger then me. Friends who are already working on their dream careers and friends who are struggling to get a foot in the door no matter how hard they try. Some of us still live with our parents, yet I hear about people my age or even younger (!) that are already homeowners, most of them are up North so it makes sense. We are all in so many different stages of our lives, and each of them is totally different, which of course that’s the beauty of it. But I personally can’t stop with the constant comparison.
And it’s all on me. Mostly because when I’ve first entered into the “adulthood” (freaking hate that word) it felt like I had everything going on for me. I’ve been working hard on this blog, maybe the quality wasn’t there but quantity was, I was interning at the best internship, even now, that I’ve ever had, and it was in fashion, so it felt like everything was on track, few years later I even got into my dream university. I was living in London, a city that I will forever call a home, that I miss every single day while being up North. And then life happened. It’s funny, how it all seemed that, especially my career, was more on track then it is now. Sometimes I even think if I can get any sort of career. And I know, how can I spill all of my guts out on the web, usually since anyone and everyone has an access to this blog i.e, future employers (!) But you know what. I started this blog in order to get the jobs I’ve wanted and that hasn’t really happened, all I’m getting these days are countless emails from Chinese companies offering me $10 for a 3 month ban on my blog because that’s how much this space is worth apparently. And it’s soul crashing. That’s why these days when I write I write for me. And hopefully for you too, so maybe if you are in the similar situation like I am you won’t feel so alone. For us bloggers it’s so easy to sugarcoat our lives, and it all seems perfect and sweet on the screen or behind a smartphone. That’s not usually the case. And maybe that’s why I feel like I can’t express myself thought words anymore. As I am sick and tired of the position that I am in life currently. And this blog has so much to do with it, mainly because I feel like if it weren’t for this space of mine I would be even more lost then I already am.
So, you see, maybe thats why birthday’s with each year are becoming just another day. Because that pressure to be successful and have your life all figured out at certain age is sometimes too much to handle. I am nowhere near. I am trying, however it’s harder then anyone would ever think. The amount, wait, rejection, countless “you’re good just not good enough for us” I hear which each attempt of trying to improve my situation. And it’s frustrating and sad, especially if you come from a place of barely knowing anything about life or the industry. So this is your PSA I guess, it’s freaking hard. Internet and social media usually shows us the brighter side of life, which unfortunately for many is just not a reality and it makes matters worse. Because “If person A, B and C are all good and successful why aren’t I? What’s wrong with me?” we tend to take other people’s success as our weakness, and I am the first one to support others! However just because other’s seem to have it better, it doesn’t matter we are failing in life. I’ve been comparing myself like that all the time, and I still do but it’s not really helping in anything. Yeah sure at one point it seemed all perfect but it really wasn’t. I must admit that even thought career wise, blogging wise, passion wise and sometimes friends wise (I know it’s not true but ya know, brain)
What am I trying to achieve with this blog post? Don’t feel bad if you’ve been doing something for certain amount of time and you still feel stuck. You’ll get there. Eventually. I always whine and moan about I should have done more for my age. But looking back, I have done lot’s, I have more experience then majority of people out there, and my biggest achievement is the fact that I’ve done it all on my own. I had articles published, photoshoots both done as a stylist and a model. I got to meet and work with so many amazing fashion, lifestyle and beauty brands. I’ve been told that my outlook on life, ethics and choices inspire others. This year I really come to grips with my own fashion aesthetic and as much as I know there’s still lot’s of work to do, I couldn’t be happier with where I am with it now. The fact that I have strangers, people online, work colleagues, friends etc comment the positives about my under cut shave, or the green hair or the fact that I have the guts of bleach my eyebrows. In the past year I got to really know people within the alternative side of blogging, I hang out with some of them, we went for drinks, coffee, did shoots, had fun. It’s still bizarre to me that people that I especially grew up with online (bc at 17 you’re pretty much a child) that inspired me and let me show my unique side really became one of the closest people I know! And even out of the www world, even though I don’t really work in fashion, I do work with an amazing team of people, and I can say it with a hand on my (black) heart that if it weren’t for them I would totally move and work at the location nearer me. But I’m not because I do genuinely enjoy working with them. Also they get my dark sense of humour so that’s very nice, since I understand that outside of online it can seem too morbid for an average person.
Anyway, this post is way too long, and I am going to publish it technically after my birthday. And I’m sorry that the first part of it, isn’t really the most cheerful but like I said, I’m sick and tired of living that double life I guess. Birthdays sometimes can be daunting, mine started to feel this way for sure. But that didn’t stop me from appreciating all the little things and all the support and love I am surrounded with! Because for someone who’s sometimes feels really insignificant online, it means a whole world!
Hope you’re going to have a fab day!
Choker – Killstar
Leggings – Boohoo.com
“Aries” Top – Sarah Thursday
Let’s be friends ^_^