This morning it seems like I can’t put my thoughts together, I’ve been trying to write this post for few hours hoping it would be ready for about 9am, but no, it seems like it won’t happen to due me not being able to express what I want, and overhyped pupper who just want’s to play this morning. I’m currently taking care of her for another two weeks, which means the only human contact she has is well, me and vice versa. I’m glad I had some unpublished photos on my hard-drive so I have content to post and not worried about running out, completely anyway. The truth is I am terrified to leave her alone for more than 30 minutes, unless of course I need to go to work, and even then my thoughts are filled with anxiety than being concentred on actually doing my job well, because well, I don’t know if the house is going to be standing as the pupper doesn’t do well left alone for long time, especially since she only sees me. One day I came to my living room filled with garbage, half eaten candles, bath bomb and a pink lipstick, completely destroyed with one half all over my puppers white fur and other half probably eaten. Cleaning that mess was fun let me tell you. The pupper is ok. But that made me realise that she’s more savage than me. And also made me touch scared to leave my own house for more than few hours as I really don’t know what I will come back to. Half eaten wire cords, will she get a way to spill that massive bottle of Lush body wash? Will the house be even standing or set on fire? Who knows.
I Stand Alone
With that I’m also unable to escape to London or even visit my friends in other cities of England, and that really sucks. I already touched upon it here, but that made me realise one big thing, which I’ve always known at the back of my mind but would always brush off. And it is, just like the song, title of this post, I stand alone. And what does it mean? Well, my interpretation of it anyway is simple. Everything I do, is mostly by myself, for myself. From my blog, to YouTube, social media, work, everything really. And being away from everything I know really, it feels like I’m starting from the bottom. At one point I had a helping hand, but it backfired. So I decided that relying on people is pointless. Some of them anyway. I know the closest to me will help me when needed and I would do the same, but there is so much someone can do. I can’t ask other people to blog for me, or write, or apply for opportunities so I finally feel that drive to create and commitment like I use to. It all depends on me and of course if I won’t do anything about it, nothing will change.
Also that sentence means that I quite literally stand alone. What I mean is that I’ve noticed that ever since I’ve moved up North, not that many people actually care to visit me, which is ok. But at the same time I’m being constantly asked when I’m coming to London, and usually I will go to London once a month or so, but since I need to look after the dog, me adventuring to my favourite city is not possible, I left her for 30 minutes and she destroyed so much, I can’t even imagine what she would do if left for a day. Besides she would go totally mental, this one has attachment issues I’m telling you. I totally understand that people have work, internships and other commitments, but don’t moan that I don’t come to see you if you barely make an effort to see me. Sounds super harsh and bitter I know. And don’t get me wrong I will still come down to London, visit my friends etc, but I won’t go out of my way like I use to. I’m sorry. Mostly the reason why I’m sharing this with you is because maybe some of you are in similar situation and I want to tell you that it’s ok to just concentrate on yourself and be bit selfish from time to time and don’t make extra effort if others aren’t will do to it as well.
Day time Goth
I guess this outfit, stereotypically of course, goes perfect with my current mood and thought process. Well, it’s quite dark to begin with. But also extremely effortless. I shot this outfit, again for the sake of a blog post, not because I had a meeting with elf’s in a middle of a forest or let alone people. As besides and online shopping working I don’t do anything with my life anymore. Maybe that’s why when I can escape somewhere that’s a literal highlight of the month. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s killing me that I can’t dress up and document it for you guys with some sort of purpose like I use to. Not that there’s anything wrong getting dressed up, doing your hair, make up just for blog photos, it’s perfectly fine. But I remember dressing up in outfits that I loved and had places to wear them, even if it just were to visit Tate Modern or walk around the parks in Angel and get lost in various caffe shops around Shoreditch. It felt like my outfits had more purpose and life to them, where not it seems forest in a way. And I feel like I’m lying when shooting an outfit and then instantly getting changed into my boyfriend jeans and band t-shirts which are my comfort. And you know that I love dressing up, and mixing layered dresses with platforms and boots were my favourite combinations for absolute ages, so now thinking about it, and feeling like I’m not being truthful when wearing these outfits for the sake of photos just hurts so goddamn much! In a way I feel like expressing myself thought fashion doesn’t make sense and purpose anymore. It’s sad I know, and I’m sorry for being negative but you should know by now that sugarcoating things isn’t the way I write this blog, most of the time anyway.
Rings – Shop Dixi
Tights – Ebay (similar)
Dress – Asos, sold out (similar)
Shoes – YRU bought on Depop (similar)
Black Matt Skull Necklace – The Rogue + the Wolf
Body Harness (Vegan) – Attitude Clothing (similar)
Let’s be friends ^_^