After 4 years of doing this I was hooked. Blogging and self expression online became my own personal brand of heroin. It became a thing that I was most looking forward to after long day at work or college. I was happier to sit in front of my computer till 2am editing images, writing and connecting with other bloggers rather than going out like a “normal” person my age would. The more I think about it, the more I realise in my shock, how much of my time and personality went through this URL. Sometimes I feel like my URL version is way better than my IRL version. It’s can be sad but it’s true, because what internet does though blogging and social media is the chance to start again in life. Internet is a great way to escape our everyday life and start clean. Even crystal in some cases. And for us it became a form of CV and portfolio. For me blogging became my own form of therapy and my own addiction. After 4 years I felt like I achieved quite a bit, but not enough. I was satisfied in my 17 year old self standard but in the standards I set myself at age 21, it was just not enough. Though blogging I connected with so many people that I never thought I would have, in my wildest dreams I didn’t think that this cyberspace would suck me in like a vacuum cleaner. Even now I would much rather blog and come up with new ideas than socialise and make new connections in Manchester, which considering the fact I moved here about half a year ago,would be a smart thing for me to do. No, I’d rather be introverted and typing. Due to another technological issue (read: Kinga has no clue on the tech side of blogging) I had a week long break from blogging during the time when the only thing I’ve wanted to do is blog. Maybe that’s why the time is right to have this article published, I had it hidden in my drafts for about 4 months. But even during the time when I had like 3 month long break from blogging for the first time in 4 years instead of focusing my entire efforts on creating content I got time for thinking about the content I want to make. But this isn’t just a space of images and text, it’s also in a way my portfolio of work, thoughts and growth as a human being, let’s face it from ages 17 to 21 is quite a lot.
I won’t lie to you. For a brief second I honestly thought of just leaving it. Think about it, that exit would be smooth AF. No goodbye, no explanation, just leave. But of course I could never do that. Even though leaving this blog after 4 years of working on it, having as much support from friends, family and of course you who’s reading this, would be so empowering! I remember a blogger who’s blog I use to read when I’ve first started blogging myself, deleted her blog after 6 years of running it as in her eyes “having strangers looking at 6 years of your life is scary” And damn right it’s scary! Yet, again we chose how much we are willing to share. I do feel like I share so much, as not only because I write for you but also I write for me as well, like I said, so much of my personality goes through this blog that can be taken in so many different ways as well, depending on who reading. Do you find me funny? Do I complain too much? Do you feel sad for me reading these words? Do I come across as seeking approval and attention? So many of you could see me in different ways, but what determines it, is the way I portray myself online.And sure I could still totally blog in private, not showing what I’m creating to anyone. But even though most content creators will not admit to it as boldly as I may, there wouldn’t be a point. What is creation without its audience. Sure, the fact alone that I have the freedom to create what my heart and brain desires, but after couple of years of having audience to not having anyone reading you is bit daunting. It’s like working all day long without pay or recognised. We are naturally programmed to seek validation and recognition.
In my case it could just go to the next level, honestly you don’t want to be around me if I lose couple of Instagram followers (Btw you can follow me here, please, thank you xoxo) I sort of freak out, and not because for me social media is the “numbers game” just another “popularity contest” for me it’s more. I see it as support, the fact that when I do something that I enjoy, will make other people enjoy it as well, that maybe I am not as odd as I like to think I am. And honestly, I want people to like me, I am after all a people pleaser! This could be the aftermath of not being the most popular or liked kid at school, so now I seek validation in my adulthood though the internet. It does makes sense. The fact that internet can connect so many people from so many backgrounds all around the world and we can find friends among those people is mind blowing. Even when someone comments on how much they like my top or or my outlook on certain things just makes my day!
However, ever since blogging became a business and a job to many, it also seemed like blogging became a race. The race between followers, views, who has the newest designer collaboration (with H&M, no shade!) With that came the new generation of bloggers that started blogging with the mindset of material possessions, or status. And for brands, blogging became another great marketing deal, who needs to pay bills if you can have a new pair of shoes, for free! I’m not going to lie, I got caught up on it. Big time! I’m not saying that as a blogger we shouldn’t get any material or financial gain from our work, so some of us creating few blog posts a week requires the same amount of time as a full time job. So, I don’t see the problem with wanting to get stuff back from brands, but if you blog or are content creator on any social platforms for the sole purpose of material gain, please rethink your values. And yes, I know, we all need to pay bills ects. Get a job, full time or part time, no one gets paid from blogging in the first year, or two. What I’m trying to say is, that I miss how organic blogging was to me, that I just wanted to share my opinion that thought years was shattered by others IRL. Through URL I found my voice, the courage to use it again. I realised that even though blogging became huge part of me, and not a part that I will let go of so easily. Not blogging killed me several times (a day) but it also showed me how much not only I enjoy doing this but also how much I need it, in order to survive. This isn’t about the status of being a “blogger” in fact for me being a “blogger” is not enough. I want more. Blogging was my way of getting inside of fashion industry and I never seen this as a career sort of deal. Get me a full time job in creative field and I’m going to be happy. And there’s nothing wrong with it. We should always strive for more. And with that paragraph I’m going to end this dramatic article. I couldn’t think of any other images to post with it rather than these old ass images that I shot in a massive “park” near where I live with a very talented Manchester based photographer, Stephan Small. I’m so glad I’ve worked with him, he’s so talented, make sure to check out his Instagram (link below).
But like I said, I create for me as well as for you. What would you like to see more from me? Beauty posts, lifestyle, more of these type of articles? Maybe interviews and industry insights? Let me know, please. That will help me a lot as I tend to stress out when it comes to creating content due to perfectionist traits (haha someone shot me!) You tell me. I will listen and deliver to the best of my abilities. Get those requests coming!
And tell me your thoughts on this matter. Am I being too dramatic or do I actually make sense? Do you feel that blogging has changed? Do you feel used as a blogger? Or unappreciated? Do you strive for more than being just a blogger? Please let me know in the comments, I’d love to know!!
Have a wonderful day! Love xxx
Leggings – Primark
Choker – Ebay.co.uk
Jacket & Scarf – Killstar
Shoes – Dr. Martens (Vegan)
Layered T-shirt – Zara (Men’s)
Crystal Necklace – Urban Outfitters
Long Sleeve Top (underneath) – COS
Let’s be friends ^_^
I don’t have a specific song for you today so here’s my “Metal” playlist ^_^