Do you ever write an essay worth of thoughts and then delete shortly after, because it just doesn’t feel right, despite the fact you’ve been working on it for hours, struggling to make those thoughts into words on a screen? That was what I’ve experienced today. My plan was to have incredibly productive day, and not much of it has happened, unless you’ll count 2h nap and watching documentaries on serial killers productive. I had this post ready to be published on the 9pm on dot. Yet, while reading thought the post that you would see, something just didn’t feel quite right, it didn’t have the depth and meaning that I’ve wanted it to achieve. I couldn’t help but scrap the entire thing and start all over again. Being a perfectionist is really fun stuff! do we really change or stay the same?
Growing up I never really thought about the future ahead of me, I never thought of how my life would look like 10 years after, how and if I would change, my outlook on the world, my opinions, my style. And looking back now, thinking of that 11/12 year old with twigs for arms and legs, uneven dark eyeliner, leather jacket, fascinated with the creature that was Bill Kaulitz… well, not much have changed. Yet, so much has! Back then I was totally unsure of the future, or on other days totally thought I had it figured out, not having a clue what I want to do with my life, yet being sure it has be creative outlet.
My whole life I’ve always felt like I needed to apologise for something, whenever it was what I was wearing, whenever it were my interests or my thought process which is out of the ordinary. I’ve always felt this need to be ready to apologise or start justifying myself because I knew someone out in the world would just don’t get me and I’ve always and still am till this day, so fearful of hurting others. I would never want to make another human being feel shitty about them or whatever they like, mostly because I unfortunately am too familiar with that feeling, yet, thanks to it. It made me more empathetic, opened minded and well not as big of an asshole that I could have been. I’m still sort of an asshole, I make fun of my favorite bands (read: Tokio Hotel) all the time, mostly because I love those 4 dudes too much not to make fun of them. Makes sense?
the fashion side of things
It all has really started to escalate when I’ve started to write this blog. You see, just like my entire life, I tried to fit in and fit into a box. Into that “fash-iun blawger” box. I’ve thought by fitting into a box I could become someone, but it’s not how it works. But back then I’ve wanted to work in fashion so badly that I let it take me, and my identity. I wasn’t as involved in things that use to bring me pure joy, such as music, art, photography or creating something for myself instead of an audience. Even now looking back into this blog, there was this shift in my style and it seems all over the place. But now I truly can tell you that the outfits I’ve been posting this and the past year has been truly me.And I’m trying to be more open with you, to write more about things that matter to me and open up a conversation rather then just a “you look nice” response under a photo. I really love reading them, don’t get me wrong. But it were always the comments that made me expand my thought process, the comments from people that really take time and are reading this blog and getting to know me as a human being, living and breathing and not just an image online. I’m tired of trying to fit into a box to work in the industry that won’t fully accept me. In my personal life I’m currently trying to work all of it, but I feel like writing this on here and really showing you what I like and what I wear is the fist big step into making that happen.
aesthetic wise I’m almost where I’ve always wanted to be
What I’ve worn during the first day of London Edge were my “aesthetic goals” if I could call it that way. In the anticipation of the event I was thinking over and over again of what I would wear on the day, of course I’ve wanted to make a good impression and fit in with the rest of the crowd, however wasn’t it the ideal of fitting in made me lose the sense of self in the first place? However, I like to be prepared, and in previous years as I’ve mentioned I would try so hard to fit in. But now I’ve wanted to be comfortable, in my outfit, skin and shoes, yes those 6″ heels are rather comfy. Not only I feel like fashion wise I achieved what I’ve wanted to achieve for so long but also in the way I look. I feel much more comfortable in bleached brows, dyed hair, eyeliner or eyeshadow, even the thought of having a tattoo that I’ve wanted for so long brings be confidence. And sure “normal” people wouldn’t get it. “Why are you wearing black? Did someone die?” I wear it because it makes me happy! All black clothing always bought me confidence and leather jackets the “fuck it” outlook, chokers have been with me for years, way longer then it became a trend. Harnesses always were on my wish-list, but I would suppress the love for them because at the time it seemed too controversial. Well, good. I like them, I’m going to wear them and you should to! Thanks to the experience that was London Edge, being around so many like minded people it really showed me that being different and “alternative” is something one should embrace and not hide, even if your sister, mother, teachers, friends and general public doesn’t like it.
I’m sick and tired of apologising for who I am. I’m done. I’m planning more articles on the topic as I have lot’s so things to say and I feel like it’s a topic not enough people talk about! However please share your experiences and opinions in the comments! I would love to read your thoughts on the entire thing and read your stories. Let’s start a conversation! This isn’t one sided! ^_^ xxx
Choker – Regal Rose
Shoes – Public Desire
Fishnet Tights – Primark
Lips – Urban Decay in “Shame“*
Amethyst Necklace – Crystal Henge (in Manchester)
Dress & Jacket – Killstar (Jacket is made out of Vegan Leather)
O-Ring Strap Body Harness – Attitude Clothing (Vegan Leather)
Let’s be friends ^_^
*disclaimer: The items market with * are items kindly gifted to me by brands and/or PR company, I am not obligated to talk about them nor being paid. All opinions are my own.