Another month, another post. I honestly am so upset and angry with myself for not being able to maintain blogging two times per week, and I honestly could do it, I get two days off my full time job so I could technically blog two times per week but well, from doing this for over 3 years I’ve learned that creating content takes time, and the process can’t be rushed. Of course I would love to blog everyday, or at least do shoots, or collabs or something blog related every single day of my life, but I’m not there yet. But won’t stop me blogging, if I can’t maintain to blog two times per week I will blog once a week or whenever I can because to create these photos I usually need an additional person and we all live our separate lives and I can’t and won’t force anyone to leave everything (well maybe sometimes…) and help me create that content. I also won’t force myself to blog just for a sake of it, because I do blog for you guys, but I also blog for myself, and if there are days that I don’t feel like blogging than I won’t. Because we all have those days. And as much as I’d like for my blog to be a certain standard, have the certain look, or kind of photos, it won’t happen within a day. And that’s ok. And as much or a perfectionist I am, which can be a blessing and a curse, I’m not perfect. And neither is this blog. But that’s ok.
It took really long time to realise something as simple as this. And there are day’s that I still compare myself, to other bloggers, or youtubers or simply people in fashion industry and I aspire to be them and to have their lives. And I’m sure there is someone out there who’s reading this now and looks at my posts and they might aspire to be me, and have my life, and in fact I had people telling me this. My advice is simple. Don’t. Because you will never be satisfied with what you have in front of you. And even the simplest things could bring you that satisfaction. For example for me is the fact that I’m not forced to take public transport everywhere, I can just walk. And that little simple thing, that for some people could be really stupid is my favourite part of a day. I know some of you might not understand this, but it is. As Josh nicely said it “Even thou you’re in public, you’re alone” or something like that I don’t remember but what I’m trying to say that it’s for me the time to be alone, mentally, as of course I have people around me, haha. And I love that!
There’s another thing I’ve wanted to get off my chest, and that’s kind of connected to the fact why I’m not blogging as much as I use to or as much as I’d like to, and yes it’s to do with the fact that there isn’t any internet in my place (not for long thou). That thing is simple and it’s drive. Or passion, however you want to call it. Recently I had a very deep conversation with Josh, and it’s definitely one of the most meaningful and best conversations we had thous far, because it made me realize something. Josh, actually pointed it out himself to me. I lost my drive. And it wasn’t until he said it to be that I released that. And Josh was completely right. I have lost that drive. That drive of a 17 year old, who desperately wanted to work in fashion industry, who had such high hopes and dreams, and if she knew how this blog, this tinny bit of space on the internet would changer her life forever. Last season during LFW I didn’t go to as many shows as I should of, because I literally couldn’t, I was so out of. I missed this season of LCM and I’m not even sure how many shows I’ll get to see during LFW. And let me tell you one thing. If that 17 year old would know that high now, she would gladly punch me in the face! That’s why this year I want to regain that drive back again. I want to regain that creativity once again, because it kills me to be without it. I’ve worked so hard to be where I am now, and yet I’m still not satisfied because I want more, and can you blame me. However don’t expect miracles. I’m not going to set myself goals, or resolutions, because if I met them, it’s cool but if I don’t, I feel like shit. That’s why it’s better for me not set myself goals for this blog. I’ll just see how it goes. Go with the flow as I like to say haha.
Anyway. I’m sorry for this long, rambly post. I just want to be honest and true with you guys. Because sometimes bloggers don’t seem like real people, I know that because I am and I was reading other bloggers blogs for years, so I know how it feels. But I am real, I’m real human, and I want to share as much as I can, or allow myself to share I guess. But thanks to this blog I’m changing, and my personality is changing as well, for the better I hope. Further from that my style is also changing. If someone couple of years ago would tell me that I would like or even more wear a white dress I would laugh in their face. And here I am wearing a white dress, I absolutely love it and feel comfortable with it. Of course I had to add a bit of “edge” to it with some purple lips and leather jacket, because a white dress is totally out of my comfort zone. But I love how it turned out, these photos in particular! The creepy vibe to them looks awesome in my opinion, can you tell that I’ve been watching tone of horror movies lately?